My Inklings of Coherence

Meandering to the beat of a different drummer, these are my thoughts. If you are offended or angered by this blog, or feel it is of low-quality, please accept a full refund of your contribution.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Sucked right back in

I'm back.

No, I couldn't stay away long. Couldn't keep quiet. So I'm back.

Hopefully, I've got a better idea of what I want to do in my little corner of cyberspace, and I don't think that includes virtual therapy so I'll be keeping the introspection to a minimum.

I've actually got 2 new blogs that you are welcome to peruse: is pretty self explanatory. I love sports, and I've got plenty to say, and well, it appalls my wife to think I may be one of those nutjobs who spends all afternoon calling in to the sports radio shows, so I'll let this be my voice. Word of warning: when comes calling for me, I will most definitely forget the little people and where it all began. is for everything else. Yeah, believe it or not, I've got my own 2 cents on just about everything. And since I have been accused of being one of the most informed people on the planet, I shouldn't run dry.

So come on by. Sit a spell. Drop a comment or two. If you want to compliment, compliment. If you want to ask, ask. If you want to suggest, suggest. If you want to be ugly, well, I'll just tell your mommy.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Blog in Review

I started this blog for two reasons. The first, and predominant one at the time, was to practice my writing skills and allow the masses to experience my great wit. At the time I fancied myself a great writer and that this would be the jumping off point to articles, columns and that great book that every writer believes he will be completing. I also thought I was one funny guy and that my humor would grab people on the internet in historic proportions. Looking back, I may have been a little off. I can't say that I am especially pleased with the quality of the content on here. The writing is average at best. This blog, and other recent events, are making me realize that I am not quite the skilled scribe that I believed I was. I will continue to try to work on my craft, mainly because this is the profession that I have chosen and it is a little too late to go changing things now, although that is up for debate since no one is banging down my door to pay me for any of this.

The second reason for taking up this space on the internet I have only recent become to realize. It was for attention. For a very long time I have felt disregarded in my life. I often describe it as being the extra or background character in someone else's TV show. Yeah, I have some people around me and have participated in some wacky hijinks, but its always because of someone else. I remember being in middle school and telling my mom that unless I go up to my so-called "friends" or seek them out, I would be completely left out. No one was going to try to find me. And so it has continued. And usually, I just don't think about it enough to get down about it. I even tell myself that I prefer doing things for other people and letting other people have the spotlight because it will make them feel better and then they will like and appreciate me for my sacrifice. Well, that's not generally the case. Usually the "other people" just wind up getting used to me doing things for them and being the center of attention and don't think much of it. If they even notice at all.

So what does this have to do with this blog? Well, I thought that this would be my blog and that it would attract the interest and attention of other people my way. And while I'm not going to sit here and cry because of the lack of "traffic" to my site or the lack of recognition for it, I do realize that that is a pretty lame reason to blog. "Look at me! Look at me!"

I have also become disappointed and frustrated by the direction that I have taken this blog. It began with just ramblings (see the title). Then some very unfortunate things started happening to me and leading me down a not so nice road and I thought, "well, maybe I should use my blog to vent and get things off my chest and out of my head." Looking back on those posts, they sure are whiny. And while I am in a slightly better place internally, posting hasn't really had the cathartic effect I was hoping for. And I hate to think that it was a subconcious attempt at a cry for help, given the responses that they generated.

So, having said all of that, I believe this to be my last post here. At least for a while. I still have some faint thoughts that some of my opinions should be expressed for global consumption, so maybe I return to this forum at some point. Or maybe I make a fresh start somewhere else. Don't know. And frankly, I've got a lot of other things bouncing around in my head that I need to work out first.

So, to the 47 people who have stopped by at one point or another, and the 4 people that seem to stop by regularly, thanks for checking in. If anyone needs me, send an e-mail. Chao pesca'o

Friday, June 03, 2005

106 dot 5

"Classic soul and smooooth R&B"

That's what you get with "106 dot 5" here in town. And I must say, Stevie Wonder is the man, and a nice, smooth jam really helps the night move along.

While I am adjusting to my new working environment (pulling the graveyard shift in a warehouse), this has been one of the nicer perks. That, and the free sodas and waters (at least I think they are supposed to be free.) While I spend the first two hours of my eight hour shift cramming cardboard into a compactor, I can actually unwind a bit in front of the big attic fan and let the sweet sounds of The O'Jays and Gladys Knight ease my mind.

And while some who know me might think that this is a bit uncharacteristic of this big white boy, those who really know me know that my musical tastes are as broad as my waistline. In fact, I have been affectionately refferred to as "the white man's El Debarge", that coming from "the white man's Gerald Levert."

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Confucius (and dad) say...

"Many a false step is made by standing still."

Those are the words of my fortune cookie from dinner last night. As I have mentioned before, I can sometimes be considered a "seeker of signs," especially when I am in real need of help and guidance, like now. (NOTE: I think its false advertising that these things are called "fortune cookies." They should be called generic advice cookies.") This little strip of paper really gave me something to think about last night.

Now, I may have overthought this a little. But that is generally what happens with me, especially when you give me a job where I get to use my degree to pick up trash at a manufacturing warehouse on the overnight shift, making 66% less than what I was making 3 weeks ago. But anyway.

Some of my recent struggles and problems have been documented on this site. A not so fun side effect of all of them has been the development of a sort of paranoia, a considerable lack of trust in a lot of people and things. "Its not paranoia if they are all out to get you," as the saying goes. The voices in my head had begun to make me believe that I was not really important and that bad things were bound to happen to me, not out of malice on anyone's part, but out of disregard. There have been many times when I have felt like a background extra in someone else's life. And the kicker of all of this, I had brought this on myself. I've begun to think that the poor decisions and actions on my part have rendered me unworthy of notice or special treatment.

Well, this train of thought was just one of the many that have been swirling around in my head for the last while, although it has been the most prevalent recently. All of these things echoing around inside had developed into a dull roar that was really preventing me from understanding what was really going on and what was my own imagination. And I had become paralyzed as to what to do. Not only was it impossible to come up with anyone to share any of this that wouldn't be hurt by some of it or have our relationship utterly changed because of it, but I was also a little scared by the potential outcome. What if I wasn't imagining things? What if that was indeed how people thought about me? So I did nothing.

This is where the fortune cookie comes in to play. As I thought about what it said, I began realize the paralyzing effect all of this was having on me. Yeah, life is tough right now, but I should be handling things a lot better. And if, God forbid, this situation takes time to be resolved, well, I can't last too long in this state. So I realized, yes, by not doing anything and standing still, I had indeed made the false steps that had led to the continuation of these feelings.

But now the question, what to do?

This is usually where I decided to just fake it until I feel it. I convince myself to act like I'm feeling better until I get caught up in other things and quit thinking about these kinds of things. And then we move on until things come crashing down again. In this case, I was hesitant. Given the nature of my delusions, faking contentment only played into the fact that people believed me to be blissfully ignorant, and thus less significant to them.

Well, this is where dad's advice comes in. And for those non-Christians or uninterested in Christian thought, please skip the next paragraph or two. Dad has urged me to rely on God, pretty standard dad advice. But then he reminded me of something: Christ came to earth and not only suffered for our sins, but he also suffered our pains, illnesses, fears, sadness, confusions and mentally calamities. And just like if we go to him with our sins, He will make it so we won't have to suffer for them, if we go to Him with our other problems, He can make it so we won't have to suffer for them either. And, His work is already done. He's just waiting for us to ask for the help.

In a non-denominational sense, one of the main reasons of having a belief in a deity is for their to be supernatural help available to us. The idea is transference. Having someone or something we can transfer these problems over to, someone or something that will bear these burdens for us when they are too much for us to bear. Now whether this is to God, Allah, Buddha, the Great Spirit of the wind and the trees, Karma, or whatever, the key is to actually let go.

I don't believe that this will be easy. In fact, when I woke up this morning with this new found clarification, it wasn't an hour before things crept back in. But it is helpful to have a plan in mind to focus on. Although, the funny thing about delusions is that when you do start to feel better, you wonder if its not just another delusion.