My Inklings of Coherence

Meandering to the beat of a different drummer, these are my thoughts. If you are offended or angered by this blog, or feel it is of low-quality, please accept a full refund of your contribution.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Confucius (and dad) say...

"Many a false step is made by standing still."

Those are the words of my fortune cookie from dinner last night. As I have mentioned before, I can sometimes be considered a "seeker of signs," especially when I am in real need of help and guidance, like now. (NOTE: I think its false advertising that these things are called "fortune cookies." They should be called generic advice cookies.") This little strip of paper really gave me something to think about last night.

Now, I may have overthought this a little. But that is generally what happens with me, especially when you give me a job where I get to use my degree to pick up trash at a manufacturing warehouse on the overnight shift, making 66% less than what I was making 3 weeks ago. But anyway.

Some of my recent struggles and problems have been documented on this site. A not so fun side effect of all of them has been the development of a sort of paranoia, a considerable lack of trust in a lot of people and things. "Its not paranoia if they are all out to get you," as the saying goes. The voices in my head had begun to make me believe that I was not really important and that bad things were bound to happen to me, not out of malice on anyone's part, but out of disregard. There have been many times when I have felt like a background extra in someone else's life. And the kicker of all of this, I had brought this on myself. I've begun to think that the poor decisions and actions on my part have rendered me unworthy of notice or special treatment.

Well, this train of thought was just one of the many that have been swirling around in my head for the last while, although it has been the most prevalent recently. All of these things echoing around inside had developed into a dull roar that was really preventing me from understanding what was really going on and what was my own imagination. And I had become paralyzed as to what to do. Not only was it impossible to come up with anyone to share any of this that wouldn't be hurt by some of it or have our relationship utterly changed because of it, but I was also a little scared by the potential outcome. What if I wasn't imagining things? What if that was indeed how people thought about me? So I did nothing.

This is where the fortune cookie comes in to play. As I thought about what it said, I began realize the paralyzing effect all of this was having on me. Yeah, life is tough right now, but I should be handling things a lot better. And if, God forbid, this situation takes time to be resolved, well, I can't last too long in this state. So I realized, yes, by not doing anything and standing still, I had indeed made the false steps that had led to the continuation of these feelings.

But now the question, what to do?

This is usually where I decided to just fake it until I feel it. I convince myself to act like I'm feeling better until I get caught up in other things and quit thinking about these kinds of things. And then we move on until things come crashing down again. In this case, I was hesitant. Given the nature of my delusions, faking contentment only played into the fact that people believed me to be blissfully ignorant, and thus less significant to them.

Well, this is where dad's advice comes in. And for those non-Christians or uninterested in Christian thought, please skip the next paragraph or two. Dad has urged me to rely on God, pretty standard dad advice. But then he reminded me of something: Christ came to earth and not only suffered for our sins, but he also suffered our pains, illnesses, fears, sadness, confusions and mentally calamities. And just like if we go to him with our sins, He will make it so we won't have to suffer for them, if we go to Him with our other problems, He can make it so we won't have to suffer for them either. And, His work is already done. He's just waiting for us to ask for the help.

In a non-denominational sense, one of the main reasons of having a belief in a deity is for their to be supernatural help available to us. The idea is transference. Having someone or something we can transfer these problems over to, someone or something that will bear these burdens for us when they are too much for us to bear. Now whether this is to God, Allah, Buddha, the Great Spirit of the wind and the trees, Karma, or whatever, the key is to actually let go.

I don't believe that this will be easy. In fact, when I woke up this morning with this new found clarification, it wasn't an hour before things crept back in. But it is helpful to have a plan in mind to focus on. Although, the funny thing about delusions is that when you do start to feel better, you wonder if its not just another delusion.


  • At 6:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    sure is nice to have dads isn't it


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